As Ella sat in the waiting area of the day ward admissions she wondered if the
pending procedure would be her swan song!

A procedure which was as undignified lying as it was uncomfortable
“The patient may experience pain or discomfort during the procedure” she read on
the accompanying information sheet which was attached to the appointment letter
she had received, in another place it read “may cause mild cramping “ Lovely and
vague, she thought and obviously written by either a man who had no idea what it
was like to have a spectrum shoved inside them or more accurately she concluded a
psychologist who felt softer kinder words may be less alarming for the unsuspecting
woman about hoist her legs into a very uncomfortable position and endure the
discomfort both emotionally and physically of the procedure. Doctor separating and
inserting all manner of washes, gels and contraptions inside her!

She blushed slightly at her wondering if they might be able to tell when this type of
activity, the inserting of objects that is, may have occurred last! and if so if they would
be able to tell if it was by a man-made object or just a man. She shook her head
dismissing the thought, what did it matter one way or another there was nothing she
could do about it now anyway.

“I wish they would hurry up and call me for the procedure” Ella thought
“I just want this over with”. She desperately tried to clear her mind of the unhelpful
comments she had read on the ‘woman’s health forum’
‘BARBARIC!!’ one woman described it as ‘inhumane’ another.
She tried to concentrate on Patricia’s reassuring words, hoping that the strong
painkillers would do their job. Patricia was the friendly local lady who worked in the
chemist. Ella found her approachable and warm whenever she was in there picking
up her Mam’s blood prescription meds and therefore felt if appropriate to share with
her, her most petrifying fear around this “necessary procedure”.

“The community nurse told me”, she whispered conspiratorially to Patricia “that she
once had had the same procedure and she felt that she had been suffering low level
PTSD ever since, and that was 10 years ago” she half sobbed. “Nonsense” came
Patricia’s response, “Nurse Ramsey had no place in saying such things to you and
she in the profession herself – Everyone is different love”, she went on to say, “take
two of these 1/2 an hour before and as many as you need throughout the day after
and sure you’ll be grand.”
Ella Enright, Ella Enright, her name floated into her subconscious ohh ! that’s me she
thought identifying herself to the young nurse who looked like she had just graduated
preschool follow me, Ella duly obeyed.

Within a matter of mere moments she was sitting looking deep into the eyes of the
most beautiful creature she’d ever set eyes on. His skin was so dark it was almost
blue black in color and his deep brown eyes reminded her of Bourneville chocolate,
her favorite so therefore very comforting and reassuring indeed. – ‘Maybe this won’t
be too bad’ she thought. Dr. Mucande outlined in detail how the procedure was to
proceed all the while smiling and nodding finishing with asking if she had any
questions. Ella shook her head, if truth be known she hadn’t really heard one word,
so dazzled she was by his absolute magnificence- So she found herself quite
uncertain how much clothing she was to discard and place in the basket aptly
labeled “your clothes” With the hospital gown lying beside it leading her to believe
that this is what she was expected to wear. Off came her trousers and underwear
and her top…she hesitated did she leave her bra on…. She knew there were going
nowhere near there so decided it was it best to leave on which then make her
question herself about her socks. I mean would she look strange in a gown, which
she knew wasn’t going to close at the back, with just a bra on! She did a quick check
to ensure that there was no toe poking out of her socks concluding that she may
appear more balanced with socks underneath and confidently strode out to the inner
room and the bed half hidden behind the curtain.

There awaiting her was Dr Dreamy Mucande and two female nurses one whom Ella
was sure she saw stifling a snigger as she clocked Ella’s rabbit festooned socks –
someone had told Ella that her that a rabbit’s foot was a good luck charm and this is
the best she could do given that this was a hospital environment so she chose to
ignore this and promptly hoisted herself onto the bed and with as much grace as she
could muster placing her legs in the stirrups.
“I’m ready for my close up” she attempted some humor with it raising a wry smile
from Nurse Giggles.

The next 10 minutes are best left to ones imagination suffice to say that the “slight
pressure” in doctor terms or pain in ours was intense but thankfully not lasting and
the spontaneous burst of expletives on insertion she assured herself was within
normal limits of what was acceptable given the barbaric nature of the whole
procedure. Her tears Ella dismissed as just relief of having survived the whole
uncomfortable procedure.

On reflection on the journey home Elle reckoned that it was definitely not her swan
song, mind she likened the spreading of her legs throughout the procedure to the
curve of a swans wings as it floats majestically along and where she wouldn’t mind
the mating for life bit with Dr Dreamy she reckoned she had conducted herself with
poise and serenity. Ella nipped into the shop as she had a sudden longing for some
Bourneville to go with her cuppa awaiting at home.