England. England. England.
England 2 Germany 0. (Euros 2021)
That’s the score in world wars. Yes, there are some people who believe England defeated Germany in two world wars. A contradiction in terms; it wouldn’t be world wars then, it’d be Anglo-Germanic wars. I seem to recall from History class that the Second World War was won mainly by American atomic technology and millions of Russian lives, if ‘won’ is the right word for such a human catastrophe. Despite that, accrediting victory to England in the world wars had some import; some readers may recall the famous Fawlty Towers episode with Basil warning his staff regarding the German guests: Don’t mention the war.
England 2 Germany 0.
Now the only Angle Germanic war is football; an English invention and ever since the Germans got serious about football, they played it better than the English. Since 1974, when civilisation began, i.e. colour television and ABBA, Germany have appeared in 12 major finals – major referring to the World Cups or Euros – winning half of them, whereas England’s finals appearance is precisely the number of points the British entry in the Eurovision song contest got: nil.
England 2 Germany 0.
Yes, on the 29th day of June, 2021, it happened. England defeated Germany in Euro2020. The last time they met in Euros – 1996 – the English cry was: football’s coming home, but the trophy went home with Germany. In the semi-final of 96 the Germany defeated the gallant England on penalties with a dull shy boy named Gareth Southgate missing the vital penalty. Today, Gareth is no longer shy; he’s the manager of the England team that’s defeated Germany, the first time in years. He did it by making England duller than the Germans, more structured, more efficient, more defensively aware – in a word, duller.
England 2 Germany 0.
Of course it helped that it was at home, Wembley, London, there was rain. Football is a simple game in which the side that scores the more or concedes the less wins. Let’s make it about conceding the less, says Gareth. Let’s fortify the defence and then hope. Hope springs eternal. A player called Sterling scored. Sterling on the money.
England 2 Germany 0.
The second goal by Harry Kane was an afterthought, a breakaway at the end. It didn’t prevent Harry from being rated the worst England player on many websites which invite that kind of thing – rating players. Still 2-0 sounds more deliberate than 1-0. To misquote Lady Bracknell: to win 1-0 may be fortunate, to win 2-0 sounds like a complete German cock-up. They wouldn’t score in a brothel, a frustrated A.B.E. (Anyone but England) said to me. No, it’s because Gareth’s defence was a fortress, says I, an expert on these matters, even though I didn’t watch the match, I preferred the Irish sun instead – it was a hot day.
England 2 Germany 0.
And England reached the final, springing forth more confident in efficiency, defensive solitarily, organisation – in a word dullness. But what if England meets a team just as dull as they are? I asked rhetorically. Well, it’ll go to penalties and you can bet Gareth has made England super efficient at those. 25 years ago, he was adventures enough or mad enough to take one and he missed and the pain of that miss he’ll imbue, like a good father, to make sure his lads never endure the same agony. That’s why he is as he is. That’s why his team plays as dull as it does. And that’s why he’s waking up to the choir chanting his name Gareth, Gareth, Gareth, England, England, England. Football’s no longer coming home; it is home.
Alas Italy beat England on penalties in the final. Rome rhymes with Home.
